I feel my attraction to shadowy things has complicated my life.

I'm trying to clean my act up. All the ways I've polluted my mind. And mind you people, I have never done drugs, smoked, or even drunk alcohol really. I've taken care to not abuse my organs.

But my mind I have abused. And my spirit I've abused.

I've adopted habits that are ghetto, self-righteous, unhappy, impure. I have acted inappropriately, stupidly, irresponsibly, and selfishly.

Ultimately, I am afraid of dying. I am afraid of wasting my life at the cost of an early death, and having lived it somewhat toxic/unrealized/too deviant.

I understand the usefulness of fear. I've always had non-judgement and opportunity.

Yes, I am afraid of death. I am afraid of harboring some disease. I am afraid of having my life cut short.

I'm afraid of being an artist stereotype. I'm tired of suffering. I want to be happy.

I am trying to rectify everything in my life. There are many signs that I have actively pursued this, and kept it steady.

I want to prove that I am worthy and desperate enough.

I have no idea what I'm so scared of. Why death is so formidable. I have to analyze this and understand it in order to advance myself.