Don't know if I believe it but I'm trying to come to grips with the possibility that it is true.

You see, I don't have a lot to be happy about, and I'm accepting it. It is no coincidence all my paintings are dark and intense. I can only pretend for so long to be ebullient. I'm simply not.

If the first paragraph of this entry were true, I can learn to make peace with it.

I have lacked focus in my life. If the above is true, at least I would have the focus to see it head-on, instead of lying about it, avoiding it, pretending I'm giddy.

True, I am funny. Yes, I have a beautiful smile. I am charming at parties and some people think I am handsome. However, I do feel as though my heart breaks with greater intensity as I move forward.

This sadness. I think it has twisted me for good. If I can accept it as something maybe permanent, then maybe it will be easier for me to move forward. At least I will have the guts to survive as such.