Tonight I do wonder about my drive. I wonder where it is in times like these when I'm a great artist being paid as an innkeeper. I have a lot of self-judgement around it.

I am relieved to discover a new talent on television who is ridiculously unpolished, insecure, and human as me. I love entertainers who show up for the gig, but it makes me wonder why I'm not like them.

I am like them and I'm not. At least I can see that flaws are normal, whatever flaws mean.

It is hard to not be difficult on myself. I am glad I have not thought much of it until tonight.

What tipped me off was watching some reality show that takes place in a store. The image was a man behind a counter with a customer. To the world, the man is exactly that role, as many people actually are. To be honest, it still surprises me when someone aims for a career in something stupid, like being an Innkeeper. I think to myself, "Are you serious?" Now granted, not everyone has some epic teenage vision to do some earth-rattling with their life. But I expect it, for some reason.

So what about my earth-rattling epic vision? Where is it?

I cannot even deduce what to make of it, the vision I projected as a decent, 22 year old inexperienced college student.

I have a lot of de-programming and re-programming to do. It exhausts me thinking about it.