I am also planning for Manhattan where I will sublet and restore an old dream of a concentrated art education. Not really sure what I'll do there besides stare at old paintings in the Met.

Again, I am waffling on my marriage. My attitude is that it distracts me from my painting. I thought of this yesterday at the movies. I don't usually want to see movies.

He made a valid point in our last argument. I think maybe I am a bit evil.

I basically have no close friends. I realized it must take a very special person to get close to me. Everyone thinks I'm ignoring them when I paint. That is wrong. But it is true I would rather paint on my time off than anything else.

I have my money for my trip saved under my mattress. Whenever I lament working in some blue-collar job or have to deal with going to the movies with people I don't like (because it's easier to give in than dealing with people feeling rejected), I remember that I'm going on vacation.

I have been asking myself, "Do I suck at painting?" And the answer is, I have sucked. I have had a lot of good moments also. I am so tortured because I've already painted 40 paintings this year and I only believe in 10. I am so hard on myself.

The good news is I'm getting published in a national magazine. It is called Studio Visit and you'll see my painting in it next Spring, issue 17 or 18. When I received word of this, it was the approval I needed, being that I was selected. Generally, I only know of two people who truly believe in my work like I do. It is nice that someone else did--a stranger, and they thought I was worthy to be published.

My new job is great, albeit I wonder how some people make a job like that their life. I shouldn't judge it because most people don't have some identifiable talent. They are just good at working for others. Me, I am there to make money. Believe me, I work hard but everyone always picks up with some annoyance on my savoire faire. Employers want your heart. But I'm married already.

Inherently, it is so degrading to work when I am such a good painter. I find myself in reveries when I'm washing dishes and listening to the most inane conversations in the lobby over wine. I imagine myself being interviewed by Barbra Walters. That is because she thinks I'm one of the most interesting people of the year and she knows that people will tune in.

I imagine myself turning my head in response to the call of my name. I am in a crowd, in a gallery in Chelsea (for some reason), and my art is everywhere. They are there to see my paintings. I am happy, even though I'm dressed in black.

I feel that good is very potential for me. I know that I have a good future. I know that more painting will be in it and I'm paying some dues. I know that I will someday be a much better painter and I have to keep trying. I have to paint another 40 paintings to get 10 I really like. I know I have to keep this job to make money so I can escape and live my dream. I know I have to work this marriage out because it helps me in procuring my goals.

It is all about "putting up" with things. I don't mind waiting. My reward will be big.