Every day I wake up to the image of roses. We have 7 rose bushes. Before me sits a vase of dead Peonies, still beautiful. When I take the dogs outside, after a cuddle-fest in the morning, they skamper through a garden of foxglove and columbine.

I have nothing to lose because my life is always beautiful.

This week our last home foreclosed. It has been a heavy journey. My best friend died, we lost our home. I've experienced the worst.

On a positive slant, it has freed me. The edge of fear has softened. I am still intact, more physically so then I've ever been. I understand that my surroundings are always beautiful. I understand joy and what it means.

And I will never permit myself to be abused again. I will never abuse MYSELF again. It's funny, a year ago, I was Tori Amos' 'Silent All These Years". Now I'm Marilyn Manson.

I believe in my voice. I believe in my physical presence. I believe the world is arbitrary, like they claim, and I can tweak it.

I understand the world is run by people like me. We know it's bullshit, a game. This is why we railroad it. It really is up to the individual.

The squeeky wheel gets the grease, they're right.

I will never allow myself to be abused again.