It finally occurred to me I have a problem with most people. I think that's the case with most people. The difference with me is how much attention I give it. Whereas a healthy person moves on and focuses on the people they connect with, I maintain in my imagination a private war. I get a lot of energy out of it.

Now there are of course people I connect to who I feel respect from. That's all I fucking want. Some respect. And oftentimes what I deem as lacking in respect from my peers is pretty innocent in conduct. They don't see it as disrespect.

So I've been coming to terms that I'm just an asshole with increasingly anti-social tendencies. I'm high-maintenance.

Also, I'm coming to terms that I don't know how to pick them. Some people have more boundaries: a better sense of what makes sense in terms of connecting. I, however, insist on always trying to force friendship. Really, it's okay to only have a few. I really like my mom and my boyfriend. I'm afraid to say anyone else since so many people I used to value disappoint me.

It seems like I'm always disappointed. So why do I even bother attempting to cultivate friendships? Also, disappointment is putting it lightly. I inevitably feel disrespected. But it's not really disrespect. It just becomes so clear how little I matter to most friends. I know they like me, but they like a lot of people. I'm not important enough to initiate hanging out with. They're just not thinking about me. It's not personal, I'm just not a priority.

There are of course people who do initiate hanging out, who do text me to see how I'm doing, who do demonstrate an interest in me. They exist.

Some of the pain stems from deep feelings of unworthiness. And those get triggered by what people don't do.

The biggest problem is in attempting to force people to love me. And the biggest pain has been in trying to teach myself to hold back and not cultivate relationships. I want friendship, but it can't be forced. Or the kind of friendship I want can't be forced.

It's probably tied to Ren_____, my best friend who died so many years ago. We used to talk on the phone even though we lived next door to each other. We would go grocery shopping together, we would do fun things together as well. It truly was a best friend situation. When she died I had a dark feeling that might be it. It's almost ten years later and it is.