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A woman yesterday at the store asked me how I was not because she cared but because she wanted me to ask how she was--as a test. It was such bullshit. I could feel her phoniness all over me like slime as she tried to crawl psychically into me with her wretched stare. Honey, don't get crazy. I was going to ask anyway. GOD! The question of attention has been coming up frequently. I remember vehemently interrupting customers of mine and sharing that I lived in the same neighborhood as them. It suddenly occurred to me how desperate I was. I wanted to control what they thought of me: not as a barista to look down upon but as an equal. But it wasn't them I was seeking approval from. It was poignant. It occurred to me where else I sought attention. But why did I want attention? It was clearly for approval. Why did I need approval? I DIDN'T!!! Everything fell into place after that.
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