Almost two months later after Renata's almost-death, I am still extremely flustered as to how to deal with thoughts, myself, and my time.

On top of that, I have three jobs and only work about two hours a week. I am feeling undirected and beside myself with time.

I am in a rut. Emotionally, I am spiting myself to be negative. I am going all the way to balance out my previous superduper optimism, although I'm not technical about it. I just know my patterns.

My latest pattern is best friends leaving me after three tight years and me being angry and lost. The first was Anna, who I still resent, and now Renata, who I want to resent.

One or two good things have happened out of all of this, however. I do indeed appreciate the present much more. I'm also able to connect to other human beings without fear. In my life right now, I have never been more open and totally shut down all at once. But maybe that's a bit dramatic. Not totally, just less inclined to think that anything will stay the same.

I feel unsafe. With money low and no best friend, I don't expect anything to be predictable. I hate unpredictability. I love it when it comes to fun and games. When it comes to my home, my San Francisco, and the people I love, I hate it.

I get that everybody dies. I get my pain is truly unremarkable. Death, on a human level and emotional level, is just a part of life and everyone experiences it.

Like Renata in her coma, I feel in a limbo state. I thought I moved on but I haven't. I have just taken advantage of my openness and free time and painted fluidly. As it turns out, I'm a kick-ass artist.

To toot my own horn, I am fucking amazing. My art is truly good. That is one thing I don't worry about. Because of this pain, it has taught me to be free-er. I am playing with my art.

It's been a long time since I've played. I've been so concerned with being taken seriously and learning school-rules. I just can't give a fuck anymore. I love myself. THAT is consistent. I know, despite it all, whatever happens I will have two things: My art and my self-love.