I do know, however, that I like to lead more than I think.

The other day I said to my friends that I had tendancies to follow.

They laughed at me.

Upon being laughed at, I realized that yes, indeed I am very individual and stubborn when it comes to other people needing or, their opinions, or anything else that has to do with them.

This morning, I simply just wanted to admire the best Oscar dresses. The same pose, however, in every fucking image, rubbed me so wrong I ended up NOT looking at them. Instead, I looked at their same fucking hair, their same fucking smiles, and their same fucking stupid mentalities that everyone in Arkansas worships.

That's the problem with living in a major metropolis and being Californian. You realize growing up that it's YOU the whole country copies after and there's nothing AT ALL better about stupid celebrities whose job is to whore themselves and get paid handsomely for the trade of their selves. But that's another topic.

Back to being obsequious: I'm a rich kid so I don't have to work. I've never had to work so working gives me great pleasure. It makes me feel like a real proletarian....I enjoy doing a good job at anything and satisfying someone. But that's a simple sexual need for myself.

All in all, I'm not thrilled to not be painting. But I'm certainly learning things that will behoove me in my life. For instance, all this wiring and drilling and scrubbing things has already benefited me. Lord knows it will help me for sure.

It's THAT that keeps me positive.

And speaking of positive, are you familiar with the word "solace"? I thought I understood it before until I started experiencing sorrow and dismay and couldn't see the good in it. As Buddists brag, it's nothing but the nature of existence--that sorrow just is what it is--a part of life, bitch--so stop crying--or callinlg it bad.

I, unfortunately, struggle with this concept. Who is friends with sorrow? I'm not friends with her yet.