The work is coming together. Narrowing down the concept down to what truly interests me. I feel that there needs to be something else though.

In any event, the biggest obstacle for me has been moving past the concept of white male privilege and actually identifying in concrete terms in my own life. I realize the more I read on the topic, the harder it is for me to speak in specifics. Again, it's this given in social politics that white men are number one. So the biggest hurdle for me is seeing privilege in my every day, since it is rendered invisible in the most sophisticated ways.

Basically, the only thing I can truly get my hands on at this time is not so much actual incidents but the grappling over troubling questions that arise in the face of these issues. For instance, the question of merit in my own life. For example, how much have I earned by my innate ability versus privileges that have given me a head start? Judging from statistics they are there, but I must contend with the concept and deal with my response to these critical self-examinations. That's a good start.

I've been thinking about how this question of earning vs being given things taps into a number of anxieties I have about fearing I am dumb and incompetent. In my particular instance, college was financed through a generational reserve of wealth from my family. So right there you got privilege. Granted, amongst my siblings, I was the only one to use this resource. But you see what I'm saying? If I didn't have that money I do wonder if I would have ever been able to get a college education. Given my performance in high school, I doubt it, to be honest. Once I got to college I did great. In fact, because of family wealth, I was able to complete school rapidly. I worked non-stop because I didn't have to have a job. I did summer school, winter AND spring intersessions in order to finish. Plus, I graduated with honors.

In this instance there is a combination of privilege and hard work. But it still taps into questions about the myth of meritocracy. I can own that I lucked out when it comes to this privilege. Proof is right there.

This also taps into anxieties about undeservingness. Also, I feel it is important to acknowledge the double privilege of having the freedom to be able to choose to get an expensive college education in a field with no practical basis, like art school. Granted, we all 'get' that art is important. But if I were not in a position of family wealth, I highly doubt I would have the encouragement or wherewithal to pursue something as, dare I say, useless, as art.

That is to say that art is also a privilege. Granted, art is not the exclusive past time of white men, but to pursue art as a career, even if it ends with college, is a status symbol, you have to admit.

Currently in the studio I am working with these anxieties. I'm bringing it back down to my unique experience. I am trying to communicate these anxieties in a striking way in order to activate a dialogue amongst my demographic. I feel like my way of dismantling this hierarchy of privilege is to strike a chord within the dominant faction. I feel like these are questions all white people have to own up to. And hopefully, I can work it out to include even more troubling questions.

My goals:

To identify more invisible every day privileges.
To pose more questions which disrupt ideas about innate ability and achievements.
To identify how I have benefitted from privilege.
To identify in what ways I maintain and enable a hierarchy in social space.
To make art which clearly presents these questions and ideas. I want people to see that I am critiquing my social status in order to create a safe voyeuristic space for people to hopefully think about their own privileges.