Thinking a lot about expectations. That is, what is expected of white men. Not on such a literal level, but some of the roles we are expected to perform, especially in the guise of civilization and maintaining that exclusive tribe's control. Since white men are in fact in the utmost position of power, one has to look at whether the white men themselves want this.

For me personally, I never asked for it. But I'm discovering many ways in which I've shown up for it, or tried to show up for it through socialization and the expectation to show up for it.

This is most apparent in work situations in which I prefer our follower role. I always thought it was curious that consistently women were better, more functioning, and effective leaders. I assumed my being gay allowed me to yield to this leadership. Because I didn't resist it. In fact, I welcomed yet. Yet there was this dim worry that I wasn't this or that (like smart, efficient, strong), because I wasn't taking the lead.

We are encouraged to take leadership. To know. To yield the most income.

I think about the self-satisfaction I felt when I was making enough money to buy my boyfriend gifts, dining excursions. Also, when I went from bottom to top and became the penetrator. As a bottom I felt emasculated. There was a guilt and shame about it. In a top role, I have found myself wanting to share that I top and I feel the ego bolstering and posturing itself. Most specifically, masculinist posturing.

When I started to grow out my beard, go to the gym, let my body hair grow out, and top my boyfriend, not to mention accrue a great income, and increase my wealth (my car, my art studio, my upgraded gym membership), I felt the power of this masculinist posturing. Not so much white. But my consciousness has become increasingly more racialized.

So I'm thinking a lot about these caste roles.

Another one: anxiety about not being high class enough. Because between men, and most personally, between white men, we are in constant competition with each other: who has the most wealth, who tops the best, who achieves the most, who makes the most money, who throws down the most weight, who controls the best.

Now, I must harness myself back out of this male-centric ideology, as what is most important is the combination of this maleness with whiteness. I must not skirt around it. It is what I have to contend with and open up about.

Especially since I encounter the deepest entitlement--only with my white peers. I am trying to understand it and to name it. And therefore, I am trying to translate it into an art form, something I can talk about.

I have currently been telling people I am making collages about privilege systems, most specifically my white privilege. However, the term privilege is not specific enough for. I feel like white male entitlement is a bit closer. But it's roles, and those roles within institutional and social space I'm most interested in. Or rather, my roles I feel increasingly uncomfortable with in my own unpeeling of the layers, within social spaces.

Getting closer to what it is and isn't.