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One of the more challenging things for me to accept about living in L.A., or life rather, is people's unwillingness to be loved. Most people do not want you near them. And you find it in the most surprising subjects, people you've known for years, or rather, try to know for years. Or maybe it's just me? Perhaps I am not deserving or intimacy?

I guess that's why love and intimacy are so precious. But I think about even after the first night my boyfriend and I fucked. Granted, it bore the mark of a one night stand. But then, why did I find myself wrapped in his loving embrace the next morning? It was then I realized this was no flippant encounter. And it's true, with him there was no fight. No walls (well, they were tiny and exceptionally easy to demolish). It was so easy to fall in love with him and the best part was he wanted it.

I think about the people who I've kept for years on end. These are people who let me in. There is no struggle, no strange secrets. They let me see their life, their home, their past.

And then I think about the people who I know but know nothing about. Yes, there was a strong connection. Yes, we spent many a time together. Yes, we even engaged in long conversations and texts. But then the rapport is unsettled by this feeling that I'm friends with a robot, or at least the illusion of someone.

I have a few friends in L.A. like this. They're all the same. They appear to love me but they just listen. They don't volunteer information, they don't intimate the conversation. Everything they reveal is of the utmost superficial and innocuous, like a generic about page on Facebook. Somehow, they always feel noncommittal, like it is they who is waiting for the shoe to drop.

And that's when I drop the shoe. I drop out. I retreat. I take back my energy and give it to those WHO WANT IT.

THOSE WHO WANT IT. THOSE WHO ARE LOVABLE. THOSE WHO WANT TO BE LOVED AND ENJOY IT.

I am not a charity. But I do know when I'm not wanted.

My success lies in my ability to read energy, acknowledge it, and direct it where appropriate.

For instance, if I sense a stanch, I will sniff it out. I will not permit my own flow to be blocked. If you are not responsive, I will simply look for someone who is. I liken it to a plug and an outlet. If I am a plug and you are an outlet and there is no connection, I will go to another outlet. The point is I need electricity. I REQUIRE electricity. I need to function. I am alive, I am here to WORK.

I WANT TO BE LOVED. This is how I get everywhere. I have TRUST that YOU will want to love me and be loved in return. I know I talk about a lack of loyalty in my work environments, and it's because the professional setting is a permanent wall which nobody wants to break. I can't feel genuine love when I work for people against knowing me. But even though I say that, I am incredibly loyal.

I have faith there are more people who want what I have. I can't begrudge those who don't.