2015-11-09


On the cusp of my show. Thinking a lot about confidence and fear. Confidence being a power you own. Fear being a power you give something outside yourself to own. Or in other words, fear owns you.

Surprisingly, I am feeling confident about my show. As each day nears, and I'm bolstered further by more proof of my identity as an artist, my confidence builds. First a press release, then an email blast, then the actual drop-off of work at the space, Facebook event page I didn't make by the space representing me....

Last night I was talking to my boyfriend about magic, ideas of kismet, and chance. Things I believe in and don't take for granted. Am I mystical? I suppose. But I just can't ignore the serendipity of my life.

There is a peer, an artist, I've been getting to know. In him I see so many of my characteristics. Admittedly, his art is decent at best. But he navigates the art world with such ease. He is beloved. And quite frankly, I get it. In him I see the same charms and likability I have--granted, I would never admit this publicly (that would be breaking the social contract). But in fact we are both very popular. And I also might be decent at best as an artist. Nevertheless, it's not up to me to decide. What I can control is how I navigate my life.

When I want to succeed, I identify specifically the goal. I see where I stand at present in proximity to the goal. I look at it as an algorithm. I identify the missing components and I scheme how to fill the gaps in the equation. For instance, if I want a specific job and I understand it only becomes offered through friends, I find out who the employees are and ingratiate myself. It's a long process, but I'm in it for the long haul.

It's not how I achieve what I want. The point is that I achieve it.

In a few days I have my solo show. If I know the people of Los Angeles, they'll more than likely hate it. But honestly, I realize that doesn't matter.

What matters is that it happened, that it existed, and that people know it happened. What matters is the image of movement: I am putting on a solo show. I am an artist who is productive. I am successful in securing the allotted space and time afforded to deserving artists.

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