This is now a problem.

So I'm doing something about it. To work as hard as I do has it's benefits.

Last night, for instance, I discovered my work online in a gallery in Hong Kong. When I have a second I do painting assistant work to famous artists. Then I find my work on line internationally. So that's a plus.

But I've stopped hitting art shows for awhile. It started to feel like high school. That is where you're seen. That is where people get the chance to talk about you.

When I first moved to LA I needed that experience. I had to assimilate quickly.

But here I am with a very legitimate resume. I have work under other people's names hanging internationally... I no longer have to prove I am an "art worker".

Been depressed lately. Just turned 33 and still don't feel I have a lot to show for it. I am so insanely hard on myself, even though I have evidence I'm worthy. Went to another painting job interview and I watched their eyes bug out at my resume. I have proven my existence.

I guess at the end of the day I just want to make art that I love--work that is actually finished, high quality, and great to look at. I get so concerned about judgement from others, it's so painful. If I could just make a few things that mattered I would be so contented.

That's the duality. I am proud of myself for achieving what I've achieved as a careerist in what everyone says is unprecedented. I am climbed very high in very little time. Hard work, charisma, and talent.

The next phase is committing to finishing great work. The next step is replacing my crazy present job with a higher paying position that frees up time to finally manifest this work.

One thing at a motherfucking time.