So maybe I should chill the fuck out.

Very cautious tonight. Caught myself in a possibly disastrous pattern. Caught it as it reared it's ugly head. Maybe I try to prove myself to those who don't need it. The response I get is never returned with the same intensity. It's an empty feeling. It's like over-spending then finding a deal at half the cost.

Or maybe I'm just bitter. I did, after all, spend 10 and a half years on a man completely unworthy of my time.

I remember trying to prove to myself I was the most understanding and patient person on earth. I forego'd my needs in classic Catholic fashion: the promise of a ticket into heaven. Or maybe I just wanted to be loved in return.

I never got the respect I wanted. Probably because I was seeking it from people who couldn't grant it.

It all comes back to me and a lack. With the lack comes a need to filled. Since it cannot be procured from the outside, it's doomed to fail.

So here I am, at his beck and call, wondering why I hang for dear life to each text. It's not obsession. It's the idea that I'll be loved more if I'm totally available. But no one is asking me to be available. Maybe this is why I'm a personal assistant. I know how to give up my life for another.

Glad I am working in New York for awhile. I need to get away and make sure I'm not making a mistake.