I have a sponsor. I go to Al anon religiously since January.

I have an art-mentor who is kicking my butt.

Trying to make sense of my low self-esteem, my unmanageability, my lack of trust in myself, my foggy connection to serenity.

Sounds all very 12-step program, I realize.

But I'm becoming very aware of my head space, and looking at it objectively as it gets mired so easily in crazy-talk.

Just this obsession with Jensen and my dependence on his love, affectionate words, etc etc. Fact is, I cling for dear life to these things, but they satisfy nothing. Because I honor them as a panacea. But why do I need curing? I feel ill when I don't receive this attention. So clearly, I'm not balanced, or self-satisfied.

This is what I'd like to have: Some balance, neutrality, equanimity, self-sufficiency.