2014-01-14


Things have been exciting for me. The people in L.A. have been so good to me. So good to me I doubt it! Ah, good old low self-esteem kicking in. If anything, this town has really lit a candle on my sadness, my lack of belief in myself, my internalized homophobia, my untreated al-anon status.

I have suffered so much more than I realized. Prior to moving here I attributed much of my suffering to superficial problems: foreclosure, a dead friend, my husband's cheating.

I realize now I internalized the idea that being gay makes me a freak. I internalized the idea that my art is stupid. I internalized the idea that I'm some saint because the world will fall apart if I let down everyone's projection of me.

But the fact of the matter is I've relied on this narrow self-perception in order to be quiet, unheard, kept safe, sheltered. Because if I own who I am I will have to take responsibility.

So I'm learning how to take responsibility. The fact that other people are acknowledging my talent is startling. I was so used to the only artistic people I knew showing no support for my art. What I realized now is their art sucks. They don't care about making a difference.

I was used to being the "straight-acting" gay because where I'm from that's preferred. But the truth is where I'm from even the gay people are ashamed to be gay. They worship straight male culture, try to only have sex with straight guys or gay guys pretending to be straight. They try to dress macho and like "straight" things. Here, the gay people want me to be gayer.

Being away from my sober-alcoholic husband has been healthy. I didn't realize how difficult, and almost impossible it was, to live with that disease. I became a master manipulator, a chronic cringer, a master at timing, full of guilt and feeling crazy. Additionally, I expected bad things to happen all the time. Even in the windows of peace I expected doom.

I have been so easily embraced here. People are excited about me, even as shy as I feel. People hug me, I have friends who invite me to things, I am welcomed and appreciated.

I have never had this much fun in my adult life. Free of a crippling, slave-like existence. What a concept.

It's getting so good.

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