I apologize for the last torrid entry. When I'm upset, it is just easier for me to be toxic and to let it consume. I don't take it so seriously afterward.

I am looking for a little hope, the re-establishment of dreams, or really, having the capacity to believe in dreams. I would also like to feel genuinely happy as the last time I did in 2007.

Read a few pages from a diary from 2007. Can't believe how much fun I was having. I distinctly remember it going away.

Arriving at a place where I ask myself if I will be okay if this is permanent, hence the question if this is part of adulthood. If having the life beaten out of you is a part of getting older, I can work with it and accept it. Doesn't mean I'll like it.

I would like the other emotions to be prominent. If not, that's okay too. Anything is better than suffering. Even feeling dulled down.

Well, I might be receiving some money. Compared to the $200,000 I inherited and subsequently blew, it is small. But now that I've learned my lesson, any fraction is welcome and I can handle it.

I am hell-bent on savings. After everything I've been through, I know that safety is the best thing money offers. Not frivolous purchases or even property. But knowing that there's always a cushion to fall back on, instead of living wildly on a cliff.

I question a lot of my recent ascetic practices, if it's healthy to deprive. I do know that it is burdensome to indulge, that I'm vacant when I do so, the emptiness so overwhelming and uncomfortable. It is easier and less draining for me to focus on what actually satisfies me.