I am depressed. I've got my reflection of my eye and big arm in the library door and that's all it seems I've got.

"You'll get out of this" my mother says, a veteran of depression, "you've just gone through too much at your age".

Pulled a tendon, or rib, in my back this morning. I hate him for physically wounding me.

He has been taking care of me. I feel so white trash. Ended up with his balls in my face and cumming like I've wanted. Guess I just don't care.

I cannot believe how flat my paintings are, after everything I've done. I have pushed myself so far. It doesn't show. "I can't show any of these" I thought. All my supposedly cathartic works.

Have to get an AIDS test. I have no reason to doubt I am negative. I just need the proof.

I am very sad. Didn't get the up-to-the-minute adoration that I needed. 48 hours later I received it: "I want you. How, when, where" from a god of a man. It elated me after feeling rejected. All of this for a stranger.

I post pictures of paintings. No response. I post a drawing by Klimt. Approval.

Can't go to the gym. I can't move. Can't apply for work. Jobs are stupid. Got a rejection letter for an art apprentice position. Even the jobs I am interested in don't want me.

It comes down to being wanted. I need attention. Why am I starving for it? Because I've been treated like garbage by someone I married.

Someone who essentially found me unattractive. As my shape got more refined, my trips to the gym were a threat. Fashion became a threat. My art, because of it's 1 on 1 exclusivity, became a threat.

I became the sexual ashtray. I took care of his needs, his wishes, his space. He took more, complained about everything. I once baked a cake for his business. He couldn't believe I didn't contribute more. He rejected it.

I was told that my contributions were selfish. I was told that he was the reason I got my degree, that I went to the gym. He wanted the credit for my accomplishments.

And I just want some fans. I want to make art people cannot live without. I want a body guys can't live without. I want a personality people mimic and never forget. I want everyone to tell me I'm talented, beautiful, inspiring.

I make people glow, I change people's lives, I am jack off material on the internet for guys. Because of me, I have watched dormant artists spring to life. I do this to people.

I just want some fans and credit for all I constantly give and work for.