2011-06-11


Know that I can be what I want to be, that I'm already half-way there. I am overwhelmed by time, and the fear that there's a lack of it. I fear I will not paint what I want to paint. I fear I will not achieve what I've set to achieve as an artist.

Those fears are obviously bogus. I have them regardless.

Well, the visions are constant, the ideas that is. I call them visions because they are pictures of paintings.

I am a great painter, I know this. I know I am capable of being greater. Okay, I admit that I want attention. I want people to exclaim when they see my work.

I remember how I felt when I saw Van Gogh's paintings at 8 years old. They were moving. I was touched.

I want to touch people, guys especially. :)

I want to make visual soup of my wit, sexuality, fears, and catharsis.

I so desperately want to be great I could scream.

I made the mistake of not meeting my classmates for their art opening. I realize now I could have met someone inspiring there, even though I feel disrespected by people I know there. I forgot how good it feels to talk about art in the context of a gallery.

One thing I'm trying to remember about myself is that once a month it feels good to be glorified.

Believe me, I know how to do this. I can make people glow, laugh, and stay by my side riveted for hours as I speak. It always feels good. I forget about it because I don't need it. Yet, it is a boost of adrenaline.

This is why sex is important to me. I like how men compliment me in the context of sex. It is all I need to hear a man say "you're ass is so hot". I don't need it, but it gives me adrenaline.

I recently had to explain to a friend I am always detached from people I'm close to. I have the makings to be famous because I get more from total strangers. I want their eyes on me. I don't need that much intimacy.

Tonight, I feel very electric. I am so grateful to move like the wind, to understand what it means to have my hair blow in it.

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