2011-04-24


Been more adament about taking good care of myself. The excuse of mourning is over. She's dead. Move on. Sorry to be so hard on myself, but there's no excuse to leave my house with unkempt hair.

So I'm going to be shopping again. My wardrobe is black. I look beautiful in fair tea-colors and pastels. I have no idea why I still try to wear black. It is hideous.

It is true I am prepping for my closeup. Did an interview with ABC the other day for my current job at a school. I didn't handle it as gracefully as I would like. That's another thing I can practice until I am asked by Barbra Walters for an interview (that is my dream).

My body looks great. Doing some photos lately with my photographer friend. Shirt is off. I look beautiful. I am wise to have built my body reminiscent of an acient Greek sculpture. No juice-head lobster-body for me thank you very much! I have shape, and I'm just thin enough. I cannot stand too much definition, leanness, or bulk. It is absolutely hideous.

I have returned to my "energy-worker", a doctor who makes me do things that are almost uncommunicable. But I will share with you. My shoulders fidget, my eyelids spasm, my forehead throbs, and I visually picture golden filaments connecting dull-ends, illuminating dormant brilliance within me. Believe me, I am not fucking with you. I can't stand hippie shit. This woman I go to, however, is REAL. And every time I leave I am more in-touch with my beauty, and everything it's capable of.

I have been proactive in attending to adult responsibilities. I cannot tell you how good it feels to pay a bill on time. Or to clean something you live with. Or to no longer buy more, but perfect what you have.

I have garden a lot, all maintenance. we bought a lot of plants, and now they need love. Weeding is so therapeautic.

There are a few things I need to do:
Paint more. This requires having the energy to do so. I still have reluctance, and a tightness in my chest. I try hard, and I work more regularly now (I get paint on my face-a good sign). I am not 100% as I'd like.

Will said, "To get what you want you must live an amazing life. Did you hear me?"

I've taken this as unapologetically doing what feels good to me. That's why I'm not at anyone's for Easter today.

I must paint more honestly. Currently, I have delved into unchartered territory of channeling anger, frustration, violence, and sexual frustration. I am mostly using the pallette knife and turpenoid. I am getting the hard stuff now so I can resume to what I'm gifted at: soft and pretty. It feels good to write "Fuck Off" on a painting, however.

I must take better care of my dogs and my lawns.

I must buy myself flattering clothes. I deserve to look fair.

I must be amazing. Well, I am. However, there's arenas that need polishing, like painting and camera-presence. I know how to speak and I look nice. I want to be part of that upper-faction of realized, fully-developed people. I am eager to be acquainted with my peers, and possibly fuck them.

It is my fantasy to fuck a painter, or many. I deleted the one I've always wanted to fuck on Facebook. Sorry, looked at his pic again. I would really love to fuck him. He's a pussy though. I told him I had a crush on him. His response, though tacitly mutual, was silence. Pussy. Joey, however, I think is also a pussy. Or at least not as aggressive as his image. I thought hot guys who crept in closely and talked intensely with you were really trying to smell your dick. I've hit on him. No response.

Maybe I have no game! Or maybe the husband-title is a weiny-shrinker. It is. Who cares? Everyone knows he cheats on me.

Okay, the dick aint that important. I've seen so many on-line. They fall into the following categories (all of which are hideous).

1. Pyramid Dick: a tapering cock. Disgusting.
2. Mushroom dick: Big horrible bulbous head. Hideous.
3. Pencil dick: unacceptable and completely unappetizing.
4. Pencil-Mushroom dick: the worst combination.
5. Play-dough dick: Long and big, but resembling of something hand-rolled, like dough. Absolutely unrefined and hideous.
6. Circus dick: The multi-colored kind. Usually dark-pigmented shaft, purple head, and pink balls. WTF?
7. Micro-dick: Pointless

And then there's my dick. Which, as you might have guessed, is perfect. I'm not fucking with you. My dick is the kind of dick guys HAVE to suck off (not that it's hard to convince gay whores to blow you). It's seriously sexy, however. Perfect shape, thickness, dimension, color, etc etc. I've been told frequently I'm "gifted" because of my dick.

And to tell you the truth, I saw a picture of the dick of said-artist above (the first pussy-he showed me), and it's not a big deal. Just a worm. I still would really like to kiss him and suck him off as a tribute to beauty and art.

In the meantime, I'll cuddle with my dogs.

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