2008-07-21


Absolute dreary and unbearable sadness has been my unpleasant mood for the past couple months. And I try and I try but I feel like a victim.

And you know how I feel about victims. I feel they're intolerable.

I have been working 15 hour shifts for four days in a row in separate weeks. I work at a camp in the middle of a boring oak forest in Sonoma where there's nobody to talk to so I've spent all my time very quiet and thinking.

There is never a convenient time to think about Renata, or run into a friend of hers, or hear a song that brings me back to better times.

It's pathetic and I'm so sad all the time and I need a lot of help. But currently I need to find a proper "real" job that pays me hansomely so I can buy myself the luxury of someone's psychotherapist ear. I really think that outlet will help me a lot.

Also, I want to buy myself piano lessons, or at least a bigger home so I can have my mom's piano and just play my tears away--piano is incredibly cathartic.

So that is where I'm at. I'm drearily raking leaves, feeling like a victim, crying spontaneously, and feeling very sorry for myself (how is that?).

Again, one thing continues to excite me: art. I'm so glad I have that. That's not going anywhere. I sit at night and dream about the fun creative things I will do in the studio. That gets my blood pumping.

So at least I have dogs and at least I have art and at least I have my big beautiful dick to look at while I pee.

That's a good set of default thoughts to keep!

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