I want to go to her apartment and smell her things. I want to see her mess, her bathtub, her ramshackle cabinet. I want a pair of her shoes and maybe something else.

All in all, I just want to be alone in her room and say goodbye. That mangled corpse is nothing but a rotting heap of nothingness to me. At least her soul is living vibrantly still like a photograph everywhere all over her apartment.

When it comes down to it, I'm heart broken. I don't have a buddy anymore. Will suggests I dump on my other friends and make buddies with them. But there's a reason I never got as close with them as I was close with Renata. I still don't intend to get close to them. What's the point? They're not available anyway.

I just wish I could have spent my life with her.