2005-11-14


The only way I know how to open up is to break up first.

"Why do you want to break up?" he asks.

I say, "Because I feel unsafe sexually. I don't trust you sexually. You're half-devoted to other men and thus save nothing for me--making it impossible to pleasure you--hence the reason our sex sucks ass. I don't want to be responsible for any of your addictions--which are out of control. As a consequence because of your addictions, your world is crumbling and you are losing me, which I will not be blamed for...." and on and on.

I was proud of myself for spitting it out and standing my guard and refusing to fuck without any protection.

So we talked and he addressed his sexual addiction which threatens at all times my health. He says he will go to Sexual Addicts Anonymous meetings. I say I will go to Codependents of Sexual Addicts meetings.

And we decided to work it out.

There is a draw, however. If he doesn't get his life back together--especially the sexual part--then I must leave him. Because if I can't trust my partner in the bedroom, how can I trust him in other ways, say, when we go to buy a house?

Besides, I'm a bottom and I have to watch out.

Today I fancied the idea of going celibate. Seems far-fetched but why not? Why sell myself short for anyone's passing whim? And why bother have sex with someone as a coverup for pain? I'm sick of people's shame and disease. There's enough pain in the world. Why be a receptacle for someone's lack of self-esteem? I'm tired of the head-trips and fear of diseases. Sex is a drag unless you have trust.

By the way, thanks Dave. I've thought about similarities between your relationship and mine.

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