2004-09-10


I don't have AIDS or any other disease. I questioned if I did from the numerous affairs that I had before Will. And I wondered if Will had anything. But nothing. Zilch.

Satisfied. More validation for My Plan. I knew I had nothing, but didn't know, you know? I needed documentation to say that my life is meant to be lived. Not quickly dying away with sunken cheeks. But I guess your local Gothic would remind you that all of us are dying.

I feel like I'm dying sometimes. This love--my epiphany--and devotion to Will is something akin to paralysis. Suddenly there is all this vulnerability. There is so much fear.

He fell in love with a man in Hawaaii. It hurts me to the marrow. But alas, I'm devoted.

Now there is this life of mine. In purple and pink and green San Francisco. Already I've superceded my family, my past, my expectations.

I know in my heart that forever I'll be loved and taken care of. It has always been this way. I probably won't ever work a 9-to-5 again. I am an heir to a fortune.

Mom said, "You will be able to be an artist and do what you were born to do". Like Caillibote. I am so blessed. So grateful.

Disease-free and healthy. Still a ripe young age, gifted, with a nice face. And rich and white and privileged. Getting top education. A real love-life.

I suppose there is nothing to be lost. I can abandon that fear. I have gained and gained forever. It is consistent.

Ordained to add a patch to the quilt of a Utopia. I am special--not like a Mongoloid--and divine.

I was put here for a very important reason. The money, the status, all these factors make up the yellow brick road of my life that will lead me to the Emerald City. I feel this. I am beyond normal. I have a purpose. I will supercede and surmount all obstacles.

I'm taking advantage of it because it comes from Love. Pit of heart. Stomach stuffed with teddy bears. Please stop wanting to cry, stop beating yourself. Accept it, forget it, don't harness yourself.

Unbridled beauty. Take it!

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