This is somewhat disconcerting.

With him I often feel like what Sylvia Plath must have felt:

The dichotomy of having to be a career woman and a house-wife.

I see, as it is, how this conflict effects my relationship.

Already there's a latent role I have to play of 'domestic goddess'.

If I do not prescribe, there are problems.

That's how it is with Leo's. If you don't whipe their ass, they're upset.

I've always attracted them and I've always left them.

Indeed, they are brilliant, but there is only so much of their gluttony I can stand.

This is why i'm disinterested in marriage.

With Will I have a tendency to clam up. I remain still because in that I feel safe.

I know for a fact that I'm frightened of him.

He is good to me, however. Always showering me with presents, arranging flowers for me at my desk, calling me and telling me he loves me.

I KNOW he loves me, and I love him--but it's more a love of admiration for what he has taught me. It's not the kind of love I always imagined of passionate breathlessness and heart-pounding lightness.

I feel much more like a student.

I accept him, but not for a mate. Indeed he is good, but not for eternity.

It just isn't fair to both of us that I'm always wrapped up in this world of processing.

A conflict occurs and I process. Silent in the shadows as he entertains, I process.

With him I try to dissect how he does everything. In that, I love him. I'm fascinated by him.

He, however, does not need to have me.

I just miss the fluidity of friendship. I miss the easy chuckles and divulgence of thoughts.

I've loved my girlfriends the way I've never loved a guy. This is depressing to me.

I don't think there's such thing as a Cinderella story. I tried to keep hope but I just don't think it exists. In this I accept my relationship with Will.

At least he's good to me.