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Attractions are frequent now. Guys are looking up. Heads are pivoting. I suppose that's just the culture of the bar but it's something nonetheless--something I've never experienced before. Never before has someone howled at me. Never have I found myself in the stare of three men collectively. I'm not bragging, I'm just very surprised and excited. (okay, I guess it sounds like bragging but fuck it).
I suppose most people are used to such attention but I am not. All of this is very new and exciting. It makes me feel powerful, sexy, and important. And at the same time I question why I swallow it. Does it give me the sense that I am loved? Does it really matter that some man--who probably finds 80 other dudes attractive--singles me out with a wink? You have to understand that I come from a background of angst rooted in feeling disgusting. In high school, a girl told me I was ugly and another one refused to date me on the basis that other girls would judge her for being seen with me. I just never expected a single soul to find me attractive. But now it's happening and I have to laugh. Who knew that someday people would look at me? That I could be sexualized and hit-on? Who knew I could leave the house with faith that I could get laid if I wanted? Well, I know now, and I love the feeling--no matter how plastic and hollow it is.
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