After I finished the grant I felt totally empowered, despite exhaustion. What I have is incredible, or at least I feel the potential of it's power. I haven't had a lot of time to create because of work. But I've been reflecting with love on my past. The new website allows me to honor my output. This is good for my health. Doing away with the shame. My work is valid. Also, I'm understanding that certain themes have run throughout. It's not all over the place like I thought.

The work is getting stronger. But I've put off active creating in order to understand what to do next. I hate groping in the dark. I need to know what to do.

The work is really about this:
Taking a belief, seeing the institutional apparatus it's attached to, and seeing how it constructs identity and masks reality.

So basically the myth of equal opportunity, or as coined, The Meritocracy Myth. This is the myth that with hard work alone, one can succeed. This works a lot in the favor of white men who are statistically always at an advantage. Yet, the myth is believed ardently by those it rewards. I'm looking at this myth from the inside out. But this just gives it a context. Ultimately, the work really isn't about the myth of meritocracy. It's about social constructs as an act, and what is underneath and "real". It gets more complex in that I think about why anything would need a front or a bogus belief system. And the answer isn't easy. Insecure people need a way to bolster up. But less myopically, this costuming of sorts aids in the maintenance of a white male patriarchal system of inequities. The white male inheritors get rewarded by it so they never question it or see how imbalanced it is. The consequence? An emotionally spoilt society, and emotionally bankrupt men. These guys don't have an opportunity to understand themselves, and since they are in a position of power, they don't have an opportunity to use their power for improving society.