This is the dialogue I've uttered in response to any self-inflated thought or action in myself or someone else.

I'm special, but there's lot of special people.

I'm annoyed at the need for something outside of oneself: The need for attention, approval, whatever.

It's like when someone asks you something not because they care to know the answer but because they want you mirroring the question back to them.

The "you are not special" mantra hasn't necessarily been healing. In the sense that I've retreated in my needs it has been great. In the sense that I've been hurt it has been bad.

I'm just angry. I'm angry that I will die someday, at any moment, and there's no guarentee that I'll do what I want. I'm angry that I'll be outlived, eventually forgotten, and while I live, possibly irrelevent.

You are told your whole life you're as good as anybody and you find that in the "real world" no one cares.

I used to rely on the gratification of beauty, my ability to attract, my intense artistic ability, my money, and my things to make myself happy.

I wanted approval. This year, I learned that it's not a quenched need if the search is outside.

So I had to work hard. I had to be beat. I had to come to grips that I'm ephemeral and "just another" type.

In this I found great sorrow but unlimited freedom. I found that I cared less about things around me. I ceased worrying about others, "acts of god", and the usual flustered events of each day. But in turn, I found a new rejuvinated passion for life. I could watch birds for hours, be quiet with someone, and pick up the scent of grass. I picked up on insecurities in others, my reaction to others, and I learned how to mediate uncomfortable feelings in myself.

It has, however, made me more lonely.....the point is, I've given up on many things. I have given up on things I used to value, on dreams I used to have, and falsities I used to rely on as truths. In the great search for "true" happiness I've lost many things.

It is so bittersweet.